well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
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Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
my proudest tweet
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.