Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
You Might Also Like
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
me opening up to someone
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.