[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
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DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related