Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
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Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
my name if I was in the mob
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.