It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
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[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
The point of your 20s
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.