I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
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The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Isn’t
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves