Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
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“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood