A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
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[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
I can’t wait!
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.