I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
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@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?