To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
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Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.