Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
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Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
mentally somewhere in italy
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)