If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
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I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Smile Twitter, Smile.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts