Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
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[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
My biological clock is wheezing.