“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
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Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Go girl power!
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.