Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
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ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet