You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
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me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*