Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
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The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please