every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
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The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids