“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
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that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please