Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
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I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.