Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
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Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*