NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
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I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person