Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
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when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
You’ll be OK
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
canadian assassins are called killergrams
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.