My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
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If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
How actors in movies eat their food
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.