I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
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I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]