I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
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[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?