3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
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[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
birds and squirrels envy us
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Can. I. Help. You.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.