Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
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“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
still the best tweet of the year by far