Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
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*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better