My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
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Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Happens to everyone.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence