PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
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This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?