My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
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girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
A Match(.com), but for socks.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
They got Raph!
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?