John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
You Might Also Like
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.