Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
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Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
idk what he going thru but i feel him
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.