interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
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FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
my favorite genre of twitter
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
O Wise One….
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left