this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
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To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
sry
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
me after eating Cheetos
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.