I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
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“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time