*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
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[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
At least he brought enough for everyone
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Mad Max Arctic Road
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.