It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
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If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.