Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
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[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
turning my gender off to conserve energy
The struggle is real.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.