My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
You Might Also Like
Don’t forget to tip your server
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story