Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
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I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
They’re stuck in your pants?
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp