Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
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The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
normalize having existential bread
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?