[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
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Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
The symmetry is uncanny.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Just in case to be clear #gbbo