[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
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I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero