If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
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How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle