[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
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The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.