[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
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Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Sunday
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.