The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
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NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.