i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
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[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home